ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has released new guidance for how states should deal with the pandemic by telling everyone to just go ahead and do what Texas did 12 months ago.
“Yeah, we were pretty much wrong about literally everything. Sorry about that!” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky to the press. “It would seem the official science has changed. We should now be doing whatever Texas has been doing for over a year. To be clear, this doesn’t mean Texas is good. They’re still bad and we hate them. We just want to make sure that’s understood.”
The gathered journalists then began to scream towards the sky and hyperventilate at the thought of returning to some degree of normalcy, as well as the thought of Texans actually being right about something.
“I recommend we just drop all this and pretend it never happened,” said Walensky. “I’m still gonna be paid my salary, right?”
Watch as this Joe Rogan fan fruitlessly tries to get Alexa to play the Joe Rogan Experience.
